Prison Break!

Anymore, my days are filled with paperwork and housework. I can get done just about enough housework to break even with what Claire has destroyed that day, and if the wind is blowing right have something resembling dinner ready by the time Elizabeth gets home.

I have a full time class load at school, and right now I’m looking down the barrel at finals week. Also, I am at one stage or another in the police reserve hiring process at 4 different agencies. There are so many very qualified guys and gals anxious to get into a law enforcement career that there are literally hundreds of people clamoring over these precious few unpaid positions. At Marion County Sheriff’s Office alone, there were over 50 applicants who entered the first phase of the testing process; I and 2 of my friends had gotten far enough into the process to be left with around 10-15 people.

So, I have been doing police oral board interviews, filling out job applications, and filling out background check packets. Background check packets are a real treat. Every police agency is different, but for most you have to fill out every address you have ever lived at, every person you have lived with, each job you have ever held, list your debts, bank account balances, list people as character references, any crimes you or any member of your family or friends have committed, etc. And, these character references aren’t like references on a regular job application that have about a 10% chance of being called; these references have 100%chance of getting the 3^rd degree grill treatment. They are sent a packet to fill out to make sure you’re not a dirtbag (or confirm you are a dirtbag, I guess). I feel so bad for my references if I get far enough with the few agencies I have applied with that they each have a separate background check. I guess I’m going to be in the business of buying them beers to make up for it. Another joy is that you can’t just list the people you know who like you, they ask if they know anyone else you know, and so on until they’re talking to the middle school teacher who wanted to stomp your guts out.

There are a lot of people who talk about what bad people some cops are, and that they’re corrupt, and that they’re just out there to flex muscle and bully people around. If they could even begin to grasp what it takes to get into a law enforcement position, they would have a whole different opinion. Those people have seen The Departed and Changeling one too many times.

Back to the matter at hand. In all of this chaos, the only chance I have to take a breath is when Clairey takes a nap. I get a hot shower and enough time to grab a quick bite to eat, then back to the grind. This morning at her usual nap time, about 11:00, I warmed her up some milk, and put her down to sleep. About 15 minutes later while I was warming up my lunch, in walks Claire- bright eyed and bushy tailed. She was smiling ear to ear knowing she had pulled one over on her old man.

I couldn’t believe my eyes. The last few days, I have heard screaming coming from her room, only to walk in and find her trapped like this picture below, about ready to gnaw her own leg off coyote style. She is so desperate to get out of her crib that getting bear trapped every once in a while is just the cost of doing business.So, I put her back in her crib to see if she could do it again, and I shot this video. I think this escape trick would leave Houdini scratching his head.

 

 

Elizabeth came home for lunch and watched her do it again, so we talked about crib tents: like this. Ghetto!

I figured I could do the same thing, but the good ol’ boy way, a la duct tape and bailing wire. So, I put a sheet over the top of her crib, and tied it securely at the corners. I just wanted to keep her in until she fell asleep and then I could remove it.

Although it sagged some in the middle, she thought this was the coolest fort she had ever seen, plus she got to sleep in it! Psh, who needs a canopy bed when you have a wrinkled sheet, right? It only needed to last for today’s nap until we can figure out a permanent solution. I proudly walked away, straining my arm from patting myself on the back, to commence my daily routine.

After I finally could tell she had fallen asleep, I went in to check on the newly installed security system, only to find that it had been turned into a leisurely hammock. Whatever it takes to get her to sleep I guess.Outsmarted by a freakin’ 1 year old.

The Vaseline Incident

Although the title is ‘The Vaseline Incident’, that would really be like calling Death Valley ‘warm' -- or the Titanic a ‘rowboat’.

Since I got laid off at the beginning of April, there have been a lot of adjustments to being a stay at home dad. Our little Clairey is the crown ninja of home destruction. She finds and breaks things I didn’t even know we had and turns our house completely upside down à la Tasmanian Devil, all in less time than it takes to toast a piece of bread. And don’t even think about going to the bathroom unless she’s taking a nap!

Part of pursuing a law enforcement career involves doing little things to gain a competitive edge over your fellow candidates. So, I am taking a remedial Spanish class to refresh my skills so I feel more comfortable putting it on a resume. But, this is the eeeeaaaaaasssssyyyyy Spanish. I took Spanish in high school and studied/taught Spanish on my mission- but no certifiable formal training. This week I had a mid-term test, part of which was the geography of all of the Spanish speaking countries in the world (there are 22- with the US being the second most Spanish speaking country by populous, more than any country other than Mexico.), something I have never really studied. To most Americans (I’ll half raise my hand here), all of the Latin American countries are mere appendages to Mexico, I would be surprised if many people could name more than about 10. Go ahead and try. So, what part of Mexico is Guatemala in anyway? :)

Back to the Vaseline Incident. While I was studying for my test, I started to get that feeling every parent gets from time to time, the ‘it’s been a little too quiet for a little too long’ feeling. Imagine my delight as I opened her bedroom door to discover this: 

And this: And when I took the jar away, this:

I could hardly stop laughing long enough to decide what to do. Clairey has very sensitive skin, so the doctor recommended putting the Vaseline on the worst spots. You really need to click on them and zoom in to gain appreciation of the carnage.

They say that Sir Robert Chesebrough, the inventor of Vaseline, used to eat a spoonful of it every day because he believed in his product and its healing powers so much. He did live to be 96, although I’m not sure how much he ate of the Equate Brand Fresh Scented variety. Judging by the jar that Claire ate, I’m guessing she will be alive well into her 200’s, and the layers she applied to her face, hands, eyes and hair should preserve her supple, baby soft skin for many of those years.

So, after a precursory wipe down and a feeble attempt to clean the carpet, I went ahead and tossed her in the shower; which was about as useful as trying to rinse the scales off a fish. If they ever decide the adage “water off a ducks back” could use some updating, I may have just the replacement. The water from the shower beaded up on her like the wax that costs the extra $2 at the car wash. 

What's funny to me is that the seemingly endless pounds of Vaseline that glopped her tiny face, almost to the point she could no longer open her eyes- didn't seem to matter to her a bit. Nor did the fact that trying to stand in the shower was about like Bambi trying to find legs on a frozen pond. Only the fact that I took the slimy jar away from her bothered her!

I shampoed her hair 4 times in an effort to reclaim it, Elizabeth tried again with dishwashing soap. I think we'll just have to let it work itself out naturally, and in the mean time she'll just have to keep that used car salesman shine.

Lesson learned. Lock all doors, hide all the fun stuff out of reach, and for heaven sake never study Spanish again!

Growing Like a Weed

Just a quick note on my lunch break:

Levi took Claire to her 18 month appointment (Yes, she's not quite 18 months yet but we had to get her in before our insurance runs out) last week. She weighed in at 25 lbs 8.5 oz (71st percentile) and measured 34 inches (98th percentile). They say that at 2 years old they are half of their adult size (who is "they" anyhow!?). Let's just keep our fingers crossed that she slows down on growing because she's already looking at 5 feet 7 inches and she's not even to 2 yet!

I hope everyone had as fabulous of an Easter as we did.

I'll try to post some pics tonight. :)

-Elizabeth